I don't think I've EVER felt this free in my life...EVER. And I'm just in awe of God for that!
2009 has just been...wow...a year of EXTREME growth and changes in my life...and I'm thankful.
2009, well you can say it's been two things.
2009=A Year of Grace
2009=Continued Learning and Growth.
But moreso the first one.
I've made ALOT of mistakes this year. Listened to people I shouldn't have listened to. Fell into some things that I should have avoided altogether. Relied on my own strength and talents.
But then a funny thing happened.
Instead of picking myself up? I stayed down.
When you feel distant from God, who moved? God didn't!
Christianity had [at times] become a list of dos and don'ts. A list of laws basically. And honestly? This year I kind of became sick of being a Christian. I became sick of even being associated with them at times. Why?
Because at times, Christians think too highly of themselves. Some are so "holier than thou" that it makes the rest of us nervous like we can never live up to that.
I was no longer serving the Lord with Gladness. Instead I was dreading it, because I felt like being a Christian was too hard, like it was a bunch of rules and standards I could never attain or live up to.
The seminary visit had a profound effect on my life. My life is changed, seriously. Not just because of it, but I don't look at things the same. Right before my visit, I was stressing out about alot of things. I didn't know where or what I wanted to do after graduation, and i was just a mess in alot of ways.
I totally trusted God in visiting the seminary. I wasn't going to visit, actually...but a gentle nudge from the Holy Spirit (after I REFUSED to go, claiming it didn't make sense to visit a seminary I'd never heard of in VA of all states lol) had me booking a flight to Richmond...and wow, I learned so much about myself, about God, about others...I came home with a different outlook. I absolutely fell in love with that place and will consider myself extremely blessed if I get to attend next year!
But enough of that...I've been learning about the concept of grace. It has radically changed my life in ways I cannot explain. Grace came and changed me, and in turn, I'm much more gracious towards other. When you are aware of God's grace towards you, it makes you that much more gracious towards others. Then people are often the most authentic around you when they know grace is involved.
God's grace towards me has also tied in with the realized FREEDOM in my life. Where the spirit of the Lord is, indeed, there is liberty. (2 Cor 3:17)
I'd grown up in a rather legalistic way of looking at Christianity, that God will bless you if you keep His commandments. So I spent so much time obsessing over every little thing, wondering if my sin was the reason why I didn't have a car or everything I needed. Suddenly, I didn't see any benefit to being a Christian. I was really almost in a faith crisis, questioning so many things and just becoming cynical about things! God's grace came and rescued me on that visit. Not a sermon or a prayer. But coming in contact with some people who loved Christ that weren't legalistic set me free.
(btw, my church was and is still awesome, they were not to blame AT ALL!)
I have found that the call to ministry that God placed on my life was not restricting, but rather liberating. I felt that I could be me and be called to ministry. I didn't feel as if I had to completely change myself to be a "good" Christian or to answer the call on my life.
Instead, santification is a process. It's not something that happens instantly. It's not the result of anything that WE do. If it was, we wouldn't need saving, now would we? I am determined to walk in confidence, with my head held high, and instead of DOING, I'm learning to just BE. Grace allows me room to do that. And in that, I am FREE.
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