Thursday, August 27, 2009

Actually making it in bed before 1am: SHOCKER! yes for me that is rare, but it needs to become habit! I need my sleep!

But before my head hits the pillow, I stumbled upon some pictures of my brother and his son. Stirred up some feelings that I didn't really wanna have. I kinda wanted to write about it for a minute.

To my brother:
I think I've started to accept reality. You know, the one without you in it.
I used to think that maybe one day, you'd want to be a big brother. Honestly, I don't even take it personal anymore. You care, but you have a funny way of showing it. No need for me to waste my time in calling and everything when your actions show differently. you are still my brother, nothin will ever change that. When you want to be in me and my sisters lives, cool. If not, then I'm not gonna sweat it. Of course it hurts, that my only brother doesn't keep in touch or care, or that I have a nephew that I've never met. But that is life, huh? Love you, and if you ever decide you want to be apart of my life, I'll be here. But if not...well...your loss.

love, lil sis, Dei.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Ready for the PROMISE!

a blog that is DEFINITELY confirmation in my life right now :

As we stand in line at 'The Bank' ready to cash in our Wilderness for our Walk across the Jordan, we can barely comprehend the exchange taking place. A separation from the old pattern of doing things, somehow integrates with the new way, of how things will be done...
It is a place of eager anticipation, release and acceptance. For even if we can't swim,there is the longing to jump into Our Jordan and somehow navigate to the other side... But down deep, grafted in our spirits is the lesson of The Wilderness... The reminder that mere emotions can lead us astray. Reminding us that it is The road map of The WORD that keeps us purpose-filled, focused and on track. It was the re-shaping of our will that has brought us to this cross-over, called The Bank... It is at The Bank where transactions of Pain-Staking Investment, Heart Breaking Sacrifice and Purpose Rendering Pressures are cashed in for The Promises of God. It is here, we remember our Deuteronomy 29:5 testimony of somehow, always having shoes, clothes, lights gas and transportation that never got old, went off and seemed to make it...
When you put the pedal to the metal of your mind, you realize the average man/woman would not even be standing here... had not GOD kept us

Now there is a multitude behind us and the possibility of drowning, before us. With non-negotiable convictions we realize that it isn't our ability to walk, that will carry us across. No! It is observation of and obedience to the voice we have been hearing over our 40 year old journey... It is the word written and prophesied that will cause the flow of our doubts, worries and fears to part as we step out on the solid, dry groundings of our faith. It is our arms lifted as we shoulder the covenant that arcs us in relationship with OUR FATHER.

"Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the LORD will do amazing things among you."
Joshua 3:5

Monday, August 17, 2009

Gotta love social networking, Good and Bad!

The people in your life is a DIRECT reflection of what YOU think of YOURSELF .. So look around!! That's who YOU are??.. Switch it UP!!

This quote is SOOOOO true! Got it off twitter (and no I'm not posting my twitter link lol) courtesy of Tyrese, the singer lol.
I can look around @ the people in my life and all of their drama, mistakes, etc...like I say all the time, we all make mistakes, bad decisions, etc...but question is...how do they handle it? Do they take responsibility for it and do what they have to do to rectify it? Or do they sit there and wallow in it?

That quote right there in itself, is enough to make me wanna shrink my inner circle again. I'm finding that my babe, even when we go thru our issues, is still my VERY best friend. Outside of family, nobody really gets me like he does! (well except for my boy Mark, my girl Teresa, and a few others!) There are days where I just don't understand or get people. I recently had one of those days, and I almost blogged about it...but for what? Sometimes you just gotta laugh at ignorance, pray they become enlightened and grow up/mature...and keep it movin!

People, STOP WITH THE MESS ON FB! What was ur life like before Facebook? You didnt' go BLASTING ppl on FB, calling them out their name or being super negative...so act like it! Doing that is cowardly anyways! Some ppl on FB with negative statuses ALL THE TIME (cause I know some of us vent occasionally)...FB is telling us who they REALLY are! U can meet someone in person and then add them as a friend on FB and find out that they are like that...I'm ready to cut some ppl out of my life becuz it's too much MESS for me! I like PEACE, I like chillin with positive people who are ABOUT SOMETHING! It's good to take care of business, but u aint gotta announce it to the whole world! And the people constantly talking about their haters on FB probably just discovered that they have haters...the rest of us been had them, we just don't announce it...why give them any attention? That's stupid..sheesh!

Social Networking DOES have it's perks! I love meeting new people, as I've met quite a few people from church on FB (LOL)...and it has certainly opened doors! I've also made some life long friends on xanga, and we have a WONDERFUL support circle full of EDUCATED folks who are doin somethin with their lives! Though we are miles apart, I am closer to some of them than I am to people right here in my city...sad that I have to look to the internet for a support system, but on the other hand, it means more trips for me, more people for me to meet and see and kick it with! Thank GOD I found some friends outside of this city cause Lord help me, we're not very supportive of each other here. Cleveland seems to be a dream killer. I won't talk about that though. Not today. lol.

On the downside of social networking, a word of advice: PLEASE watch WHO you blast, and what you say! I know its "YOUR" space or "YOUR" profile, but you don't know who people know! It's not even about the drama or gossip, but suppose I know your boss. Or suppose I know of someone who is hiring and you need a job. If I see that skillwise, you would be a good fit, but personality wise, you are ALWAYS doggin somebody on your status or twitter or whatever, then I'm not going to tell you about that opportunity! Call me mean or wrong for that, but who wants to work with a coworker who is always negative, always talkin about somebody else? Sure, we all have our moments of venting, but if you are always like that or always talkin about haters, being immature? Me referring you to a job makes ME look bad...so I'm not going to do that! It's why I would NEVER announce on FB or any other social networking site about a job position that I know about...because MY integrity is on the line. Leave social networking for those purposes-being social and NETWORKING! If someone wants to start drama, please don't join them! Don't bad mouth others...the social networking scene is ALOT smaller than you think. Ever heard of six degrees of separation?

Alright that's enough for today. I'm out!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

What Really Matters

it is SO easy to become envious of someone else's life. Reality shows are good for that!

Watching Daddy's Girls sometimes makes me want my own business. I don't even desire to be famous, just sometimes want the fabulous clothes or the perks that come along with making money like that.

But then I think about all the time I wasted wanting other people's lives. I don't even know what they deal with or how they got there. And even if I do, that doesn't mean it's for me!

Sometimes I get so caught up in wanting something that isnt meant for me that I forget what REALLY matters to me, and I forget how AWESOME I really am.

My father thinks I should start my own business, and maybe eventually I will. But honestly? I don't have ANY desire to do something for money...for the independence? yes. I can see myself doing PROJECTS, and things like that...but I can't think of anything that I'd want to start a business in, and CERTAINLY not by myself. I like being part of a team, and feeling like I'm making a difference.

I was sitting in church and really, just thinking all week about all that GOD has placed in me-and there's no reason why I should be IDLE! There's no reason to really be envious or want what someone else because I'm SO talented in my OWN RIGHT! God has blessed me with some gifts that I DEFINITELY have allowed to sit and collect dust...not cool! I'm sitting here wishing for what others have when I haven't even used what I have...crazy!

I know what TRULY matters to me, and that's making a difference. I'm looking at what i think my life could look like in 10 years, and it would maybe surprise some ppl. But oh well. I know what really matters.



goodies/polaroids/in-bed-on-laptop-polaroid.jpg

Sunday, August 9, 2009

It's NOT ENOUGH

I realize that "just good enough" is NOT ENOUGH.

for YEARS now, I've been doing JUST enough to get by. And unfortunately JUST ENOUGH TO GET BY for me is what some people work HARD for-a decent GPA, a decent check-just DECENT stuff. I don't even have to try hard to get Bs, or other things that ppl half kill themselves for.

But I'm ashamed of that. I'm ashamed that I don't push harder. I'm ashamed that I don't give things my ALL. The things that I SHOULD give my all, I give JUST ENOUGH. I give God JUST enough of my time (or not enough at all), JUST enough in my offerings & tithe, JUST ENOUGH in my studies. But it's NOT enough.

God has given me SO much in talents and gifts and abilities. And what have I done? I've been wasteful. I've been hoarding it. Waiting for the right time.

I've had to wake myself up and say NOW is the RIGHT TIME! I've had to tell myself "Dei, STOP waiting for the RIGHT TIME. You have SOOOOO much within you, more than you even REALIZE. But you choose to be SELFISH."

What my pastor says is right, everything in life is a CHOICE. You CHOOSE to do right. You CHOOSE to pray (or not to pray), you CHOOSE to get on FB FIRST in the morning or after work instead of seeking HIM first! You have priorities ALL mixed up, for WHAT?
Are any of these things honestly helping you get to where you want to go?

Yes some of these things are GREAT tools for witnessing, for networking, for making friends, etc. But are we really pursuing the RIGHT THINGS?

My pastor is teaching on discipline and I used all kinds of excuses not to get disciplined-the main one? I'm not good at discipline.

Then I had to stop myself? Wait, Dei, are you serious??? Is that the BEST reason you have?

Nobody is GOOD at discipline. They have to WORK at it. You're just LAZY. Point blank period.

It's why I cannot write the book I've been trying to write for YEARS. It's why I cannot do the things I've wanted to do...because I'm lazy. Because I QUIT when it got hard. Because I expected it to be like the things I did growing up, where I didn't have to try hard because things came natural. I've actually been living BELOW my means for quite some time now but since I was content to be averagely above average (I know thats not a word lol), it's GOOD ENOUGH for me. Well guess what? it's NOT ENOUGH.

There's SOOOO much that GOD wants to pull out of me. I keep fighting it, keep resisting it. Keep making all kinds of excuses. But until I CHOOSE to become DISCIPLINED, I will continue to go around in circles, looking for satisfaction in all the WRONG places.

I'm posting this because I know some of my close friends will keep me ACCOUNTABLE when I want to QUIT. When I want to do "just enough" they will push me to keep going, to be BETTER.

God has placed too much in me to be SELFISH, be LAZY and say "okay that's enough." No, it's NOT ENOUGH, and I certainly don't decide that-GOD does. I dont hear Him say that too often when it comes to an individual's effort. Everytime I've seen people put out a certain amount of effort, He gives them MORE and therefore requires MORE.

Well, staying in one place is NOT an OPTION. I know some of you keep thinking that "if I don't do anything, God will not give me more, so I'll be off the hook." WRONG!
God will not only stop giving, but take away and give to someone who is doing something with what He has given them. Not only will you end up missing out, but the WORLD misses out. The world only gets one YOU. God has graced YOU to do something the way NOBODY ELSE CAN! So even if he takes from you to give someone else, YOU JUST LOST, and so did the WORLD. How selfish?

We have NO MORE EXCUSES not to push harder. If we push past the lazy feelings and selfishness, go BEYOND ourselves, God will make carry us the rest of the way! God is bigger than our problems, our situations, and He has GREAT things in store for us, but we gotta realize that our "just enough to get by" is NOT ENOUGH. He has greater FOR us, so He requires greater FROM us!